Christine

October 30, 2012

Boy meets car, boy loses car, boy gets car back. Hmm, Christine is a different kind of love story—in this case, the object of an adolescent boy’s affection is his red 1958 Plymouth Fury.

Well, maybe that’s not so weird. The kid’s pretty lonely, and the car is the only thing on which he can lavish his attention. Its name—her name—is Christine.

Christine is a horror movie as well as a love story, however, and the terror twist here is that the car is possessed by the devil. Actually, we don’t ever find out exactly what the car has that makes it so mean, but whatever it is, it likes rock ‘n roll and murder.

Christine’s previous owner was haunted by a history of violent death in the family—and they all died, over the years, in the malevolent car. When 17-year-old Arnie (Keith Gordon) buys Christine as a broken-down pile of junk, he doesn’t care about the history of the car—he just knows that he has some mysterious connection to it.

He fixes up Christine so that she’s all shiny, and in the process, he starts to change himself. The whimpering nerd is banished, and a veritable Mr. Hyde emerges. It isn’t long before Arnie, in his new swaggering persona, is dating the prettiest girl at Rockbridge High—and taking her to the drive-in, courtesy Christine.

Arnie used to be bothered by bullies. But Christine flexes her chrome and—no more bullies. In fact, Christine may be doing her job a little too thoroughly. The local police are staring to sniff around, wondering why all the creeps who once bugged Arnie are being found with tire tracks on their letterman’s jackets.

This premise, based on Stephen King’s best seller, might have been a lot of fun. But the movie is so straightforward and one-note that it becomes rather boring.

The director, John (Halloween) Carpenter, whose early promise as one of the leading lights of the New Hollywood is dimming rapidly, does not seem to be particularly engaged by the material. He tries to develop the idea of Arnie’s loneliness being answered by this seductive machine, but that really gets skipped over pretty quickly. Not much is allowed to stem the flow of car stunts and chases.

And even the stunts and special effects aren’t unusually impressive. The teen crowd may be disappointed by Carpenter’s customary restraint when it comes to the more graphic elements of gore ‘n guts that have been the bread and butter of so many horror movies lately.

Christine herself, it should be said, is a hot number. Whether cruising down a highway in flames or dramatically reconstructing herself after absorbing a pounding from the local toughs, she’s a formidable machine. But it doesn’t say much for Christine to point out that she has more personality by far than anyone else in the film.

First published in the Herald, December 10, 1983

I would have guessed that sometime in the last 29 years I would have given this movie another look, but apparently I had other priorities. At this moment in Carpenter’s career I was perpetually disappointed, so maybe I’d see the movie with kinder eyes today.

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Back to School

October 5, 2012

It shouldn’t be all that difficult to think up funny situations in which to plunk Rodney Dangerfield, that tie-pulling mass of twitches (and part-time TV beer salesman). Dangerfield drags his own peculiar quality with him wherever he goes—like Groucho Marx or Bob Hope or Bill Murray, he couldn’t play a different type of character from just who he is, and we probably wouldn’t want him to.

You put him somewhere, and he’s always Dangerfield, so the locale itself shouldn’t matter all that much. Thus, the producers of Back to School had a usable concept when they decided to send Rodney to college. The idea of putting a middle-age guy in school has worked in films before; besides, it sets up the party atmosphere so important to the summer youth audience.

The disappointing thing about Back to School is that Dangerfield, while still working his shtick, doesn’t cut loose nearly enough. In fact, he seems to think he’s actually making a movie and playing a character. Oddly enough, this is much less satisfying than Rodney’s irrelevant, dislocated riffs in Caddyshack and Easy Money.

He plays Thornton Melon, the overripe millionaire owner of a chain of Big & Tall stores (he’s proudly introducing “The Hindenburg Line” for big-boned people). When he divorces his shrewish second wife (Adrienne Barbeau), he decides to visit his son (Keith Gordon, the nut from Christine) at college.

The elder Melon, it turns out, never attended college, and by some plot contrivance enrolls at his son’s school. It helps that he donates a new building to campus, which wins the heart of the school president (Ned Beatty).

This precipitates a predictable round of beer bashes, food fights, and wiseacre answers in class. The bug-eyed millionaire also sets his sights on the English prof (Sally Kellerman) who likes to read him the hot parts out of James Joyce.

His son is concerned about Dad not applying himself. Melon’s not studying, but he hires some of the boys from NASA to work on his astronomy paper. And Melon needs to prepare a piece on Kurt Vonnegut, but he hasn’t done the reading; so, Vonnegut himself—really—is summoned to the dorm room (with its custom-installed hot tub).

This joke gets tired fast, and there’s not much else to take its place (although no less than seven credited writers worked over the script). A couple of small bits click, including a cameo by that insanely brilliant comedian, Sam Kinison, who plays a history prof with his own distinct views on the subject.

But for the most part, Back to School tries to be a pretty normal comedy. Dangerfield lets fly with a few lines from his stand-up act (“The shape I’m in, you could donate my body to science fiction”), but mostly he plays it straight. And for a guy with his skewed vision of the world, that’s a big mistake.

First published in the Herald, June 18, 1986

If you’d caught Kinison before he hit big, you’d have thought he was brilliant, too. According to one source, this was the seventh-highest-grossing film of 1986, but Dangerfield really flubbed the chance for a bigscreen followup, doing an animated feature and then the tepid Ladybugs six years after this movie.